


The Evening Shift at Erebor

by SarcasticSmiler



Series: Supermarket!AU [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Erebor is a supermarket chain, except the lads, supermarket au, the pairings aren't really together yet, these guys work there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-17 22:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4683335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarcasticSmiler/pseuds/SarcasticSmiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erebor is a successful supermarket chain in Britain, with stores in practically every town and city across the country. This follows the shifts of those working the evening hours in one of the smaller stores in a town called Dale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome to Erebor

**Author's Note:**

> To be fair this came about because I was bored at work so stood there overseeing my evil little self-scan machines wondering where each of the characters would fit if they worked there. Then this happened. It makes me smile, perhaps it'll make you smile too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's young Ori's first shift, Bofur gets him up to speed.

“Bofur? Can you come here for a moment, please?” Balin beckoned the man with his head buried in one of the store’s self-scan machines.

“Huh? Yeah sure, just gimme a sec,” Bofur called back, glancing up briefly at his supervisor and the nervous looking lad beside him. With his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth in concentration he just about managed to gently tug the small scrap of paper out from the machinery it was wedged in. Holding the tweezers aloft in triumph he crowed, “Gotcha, ya little pest!”

Throwing the receipt corner into the closest bin Bofur huffed before slamming the machine shut, he swore if less people ripped their receipts out from the machines the less time he’d have to spend unjamming the damn things.

“Right, so what d’ya need me for, Balin?”

“I was hoping you could keep an eye on our newest recruit? This is Ori, Ori this is Bofur.”

“Oh I know lil’ Ori, Balin. He’s the youngest Rison. They finally get you to apply for a job here, aye kid?”

“Yeah, but only till I finish college. Though I think they want me to transfer to another store when I get to go to uni,” young Ori mumbled, fiddling with the sleeves of the dark blue jacket he’d been given by personnel. It was at least a size or two too big and swallowed the poor lad, but it was better than not having a jacket at all. The air conditioning in the store was set too high for his tastes, making him shiver as goosebumps spread over his pale skin. Dori had had a bit of a glaring contest with the blond twig of a man in personnel as he’d gone on about how the next shipment would be arriving in the next few weeks, and surely Ori could last that long to get a jacket that fitted better. Dori was having none of it and had eventually handed over his youngest brother to Balin, bundled up in a jacket much too big for him.

“Uni? Ach, say it ain’t so, kid, don’t you go grownin’ up on me.”

“Bofur? Any chance of actually working and getting young Ori settled while you chit chat?”

“Work? Me?”

“I know it’s a difficult concept to master, but I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.”

“’Eventually’ I can work with,” Bofur grinned, Balin just rolled his eyes at the man.

“Set him up on till fifteen, that way he’ll be close to you on self-scan if he needs help,” Balin instructed before heading back upstairs to grab any paper work that needed doing.

“Come on, kid, let’s get you sorted and up to date.”

“Up to date?” Ori queried, allowing the older man to steer him into the seat at the checkout.

“You’re joining the evening shift, I’ve gotta make sure you know who’s who and what’s what.”

“Gossip you mean?”

“Of course! Keeps us entertained in this hell hole, though don’t tell the customers that. This place is all sunshine and rainbows if they ever ask.”

“O-k,” Ori said watching his brother’s friend with a mix of nervousness and curiosity.

“Right, so, first thing’s first. You’ve got your big wig Thorin, he’s the manager, alright bloke, can be a bit of a prick at times but what manager ain’t, aye? Thranduil you’ve already met, he’s personnel, bit of a tosser, him and Thorin don’t tend to get on. Comin’ down the ladder we’ve got Balin, he’s our supervisor, nice bloke, helps you out if he can, don’t piss him off though he’ll rip you to shreds. I think you know his brother, Dwalin?”

“I-I know _of_ him, Nori’s always talking about him.”

“Right well he’s the butcher, and fish monger actually, at least till Bard gets back from paternity leave. He’s got three little nippers now, crazy sod. Anyway Dwalin’s alright once you get to know him, bit gruff but you get use to him. So you know Nori works in oven fresh, which is next to butchery if you ever need it, though I wouldn’t advise going over there too often, some of Nori’s pickup lines are bad enough to make your ears bleed. Dori covers the health and beauty aisles, which you also know, obviously. My brother Bombur works in bakery, don’t let him hug you, he’s always covered in flour. My cousin Bifur does the trolleys, don’t worry too much if he ignores you, got a bit of a head problem after a car accident a few year ago, not been quite right since, poor bugger.”

“I’m sorry?” Ori piped up, trying to get all the new information straight in his head.

“Turned bits of his brain to milkshake so it did,” Bofur continued, ignoring Ori’s slightly overwhelmed expression, “You ever hurt yerself then Oin is the first aider, deaf old coot, but knows what he’s doing with that lil’ green box of his. _His_ brother, Gloin, is over there in customer services. Do not under any circumstances get that man talkin’ about his family. He will not stop once he starts. Bilbo works over in grocery, he also covers the flower shop when we need him too. Proper little chap, always has a handkerchief in his pocket, strange fellow I suppose. We’re pretty sure Thorin has a thing for ‘im, always hovering round corners and disappearing when Bil turns around. Me and yer brother have a bit of a betting pool goin’ on for when they finally get their act together.”

“Is it right to be betting on the boss like that?”

“Who cares? Keeps us entertained,” Bofur shrugged, “Oh and there’s Fíli and Kíli, most of the time we get them here on checkouts, but they’re kind of the odd job lads, they know enough about every department that they get stolen from us. Also make noise when you go near any darkened corners in the warehouse or going in any dark offices, they can’t be trusted to keep their hands to themselves and there have been too many times I’ve wanted to grab bleach off the shelf and pour it into my eyes.”

“Um, ok?” Ori squeaked.

“Also don’t be surprised if you call for one and get both, or call for one and get the other. We’ve given up trying to tell them apart, especially since the little bastards keep swapping their name tags. Any trouble then the security guard is over by the doors, her name’s Tauriel as far as I can gather. Doesn’t really do much to be fair, tends to just stand there lookin’ pretty. Kíli, or was it Fíli? Either way, the dark haired one had one hell of a crush on her when she started, trailed behind her for weeks before he got over it. Funniest thing you ever saw, this human puppy followin’ round the frowning security guard while his golden counterpart glared and sulked. How they didn’t get themselves fired I’ll never know. Well I think that’s it. Any questions?”

“I…I…” looking slightly like a fish out of water Ori blinked up at Bofur.

“Brilliant! Welcome to Erebor!” clapping Ori on the shoulder Bofur darted off to deal with a customer on self-scan, leaving the poor lad still gaping like a fish, wondering what kind of place he’d been employed in.


	2. Nori of Ri-lly bad chat up lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori's attempts at flirting will likely make you cringe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes the title of this chapter is a bad pun type of thing, I thought it necessary as it fit with Nori's bad chat up lines

“Hey Dwalin! Wanna taste my hot thighs?”

“Fuck off, Rison,” Dwalin growled, the cleaver hitting the chopping block harder than intended as his fingers clenched around the joint of meat he was currently slicing.

“But they’re so plump and tender and juicy. Sure you don’t want a nibble?”

“No.”

“Spoil sport,” Nori pouted, sidling out from his own counter to slip behind Dwalin’s, “How about I come over and handle your meat if you won’t come nibble my thighs?”

“Keep yer greasy mitts of ma meat, Nori.”

Delicate fingers trailed over Dwalin’s shoulders, making the burly butcher twitch

“Oh but I’d love to get my hands on your meat,” Nori practically purred in Dwalin’s ear.

Grinning at some of the regular customers watching them, he quickly skipped back to his own department before Dwalin could threaten him with his cleaver again.

“One of these days, Nori, one of these days,” Dwalin grumbled, not really willing to throw true threats about with customers watching, the last thing he needed was another complaint about his attitude.

“You know you love me really, big man.”

“Oh are you two a couple?” an elderly lady asked, looking between the two men.

The question had Nori curling over in laughter while Dwalin spluttered out an indignant “No!”

“But he seems like such a nice boy,” the woman tried again.

“He’s a menace,” Dwalin ground out, forcing a smile onto his face, though in reality it was more a mere baring of teeth, he asked, “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Hm? Oh not really, dear, I was just looking to see if you had anything suitable for my husband. Most meats give him terrible bowel problems you know, absolutely awful.”

“Is there anything he can eat that won’t upset his, um, that…is there anything he _can_ eat?”

“Chicken, mostly, dear.”

“Oh well I’ve none over here. Uncooked are down aisle two, fer cooked you’ll ‘ave to see my colleague, not my partner mind, in oven fresh,” Dwalin gestured to Nori, wanting to get rid of the woman as quickly as he could. Customer service really wasn’t a strong point of his.

“Thank you, dear.”

“Hey Dwalin,” Nori called after finally getting the old woman to settle on a selection of plain chicken breasts, apparently legs were too much for her old man’s dentures to deal with.

“What d’ya want now, Nori?”

“If you ever let me try your meat, I promise it won’t give me bowel problems.”

“That’s….you’re…I’m ignoring you now, Rison.”

“You couldn’t even if you tried,” Nori snorted before turning to serve the next customer huffing to get his attention.


	3. It broke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inanimate objects are out to get Bofur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is actually based on true events....and I was banned from even looking at the keys for the rest of my shift.  
> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos. :)

“Can I borrow the keys for a sec, Balin?” Bofur asked, fiddling with an empty DVD case.

“Sure, Bofur, here,” without even glancing up from the forms he was filling out, Balin passed the supervisor keys in Bofur’s general direction, “You know which one it is?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

Sorting through the bunch of keys to find the small, slightly bent one he wanted, Bofur headed for the DVD drawers.

“Battle of the Five Armies,” he murmured to himself, reading the title on the empty case, “Now would that be in the ‘T’, ‘H’, or even the ‘B’ drawer?”

Figuring his best chance for finding the DVD disc would be in the ‘H’ drawer, Bofur slid the key into the lock, huffing when it slid in at an odd angle. He hated these drawers. He was convinced that whoever filled them had the organisational skills of a teaspoon, and the locks were clearly out to get him, they never worked first time.

With a sigh he began to wiggle the key out of the lock.

_*Snap*_

A look of horror stole over Bofur’s face as he looked down at the remaining half of the key in his hand, its end still firmly inserted in the lock.

“Oh fuck,” he breathed.

Turning, he held the snapped key in front of himself in disbelief as he made his way back over to Balin.

“Um, Balin?”

“Mm?”

“It broke,” Bofur blurted, waving the key vaguely in front of him.

“What br…oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get the drawer open before it snapped?” Balin asked, both staring at the missing end of the no longer functioning key.

“No, didn’t even get a chance to turn the damn thing.”

“Well this isn’t good.”

“Ya think?” the sarcasm positively dripped from Bofur’s voice.

“Maybe we can pull it out with the tweezers from self-scan?”

“I’ll go get them,” Bofur said, handing over the keys to Balin before scooting away to self-scan. Apologising to the customer waiting for their DVD while he grabbed the tweezers from the seemingly random assortment of items they used to clean and repair the machines.

Twenty minutes, two broken fingernails and a wide range of swearing from assorted members of staff later they managed to remove the snapped end of the key from the lock. Only to find that the disc they were looking for wasn’t in _any_ of the drawers, in fact it wasn’t even anywhere in the store.

After apologising profusely to the waiting customer and sending him off to Gloin for a refund, Bofur dropped his head, in a rather over dramatic fashion, onto the drawers.

“I can’t believe some moron put the case on the shelf when the disc doesn’t even exist,” he griped, “I hate this place.”

“Hazard of the job I’m afraid,” Balin said with a sympathetic pat to Bofur’s shoulder, “You’ve got a red light by the way.”

With a groan, Bofur dragged himself upright and over to the customer with the protesting self-scan machine, plastering a happy smile on his face as he did so.

“Yeah, I need the disc for this?” they said, waving an empty DVD case in Bofur’s face.

“I’ll just go find the person with the keys,” he chirped, smile becoming rather strained.

Handing Balin the empty case he quickly scuttled back to self-scan, he wasn’t going _anywhere_ _near_ those god forsaken drawers or any fiddly little keys for the rest of his shift.

No way, no how.

And he thought it was only the self-scan machines that were evil and plotting his downfall.

Perhaps it was time to update his list to include drawers and bent keys.


	4. Stalking or Not Stalking, that is the question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin is awkward, Bilbo is just generally confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been written, checked and posted all within half an hour as I've got to now run to work, so please forgive any mistakes.

Bilbo bent over the crates of fruit and veg surrounding him, clip board in hand as he went through the inventory of what needed to go out onto the shop floor and what needed to be stacked in the fridge ready for the morning restock.

He was thoroughly unaware of the eyes currently ogling his ample backside.

Thorin was trying to convince himself that he wasn’t being some kind of creepy stalker, though his current position hiding behind and peaking round the display of Kopparberg said differently. But he couldn’t help it, the grocer’s curves filled out his black work trousers so beautifully.

“He doesn’t bite, you know.” A voice suddenly said from behind him making Thorin jump, hand pressed to his racing heart.

“Balin,” he gasped, the supervisor’s amused smirk not helping his rattled nerves in the slightest.

“You should talk to him, Thorin, he’s a perfectly pleasant young man. It might also help to prevent sexual harassment in the workplace complaints from cropping up.”

“I’m pretty sure out of all of us, Nori will be the first one to be pulled up on sexual harassment charges,” Thorin huffed, glancing over at the curly haired grocer who had turned to watch them quizzically.

“I think not, after all my brother would have to make an _actual_ complaint for the charges to stick,” Balin mused, “Go talk to him.”

Thorin grunted as Balin gave his manager a shove in Bilbo’s direction.

“Good evening, Thorin, is there anything I can help you with?” Bilbo asked as the store manager walked over to him. He hadn’t really had much contact with the handsome dark haired man other than to be told something was wrong with his displays or to be snapped at for taking too long restocking the shelves.

“Um, yes, just I, uh, noticed that you’d already started doing the, um, stock check,” Thorin stuttered out, ears taking on a slight pinkish hue in his growing embarrassment, “So well done. For getting this done already that is, you’ve speeded up considerably since last we spoke.”

With that Thorin turned on his heel, stormed through the store, up the stairs and collapsed in his office chair, hands covering his beet red face as he groaned, abject mortification sweeping through him.

Bilbo remained where he was, staring at Thorin’s retreating back.

“Well that was odd,” he muttered to himself, still thoroughly confused by the manager’s behaviour, he twitched his nose and returned to work.


	5. More pick up lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nori's got some more pick up lines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will likely make you sick of bad pick up lines, but I can't help it. Nori/Dwalin is my absolute favourite pairing and I'm having too much fun finding bad pick up lines.

“Hey little brother, how you holding up?” Nori asked hopping up onto the conveyer belt of his little brother’s till.

“Fine. Get your backside off of that I just cleaned it!” shooing his older brother off, Ori pulled out the cleaning spray to wipe down the belt again.

“You’ll turn into Dori before too long if you ain’t careful, kiddo,” Nori snorted.

“Not gunna happen,” Ori groused, “Why are you eating anyway, aren’t you meant to be working?”

“’m ona break,” he answered through a mouthful of skittles.

“And you thought you’d come bother me?”

“Eh, there are perks to annoying you, little brother,” Nori answered, distracted as he spotted the store’s tattooed butcher heading their way.

“Nori?” Ori poked his brother in the side, earning himself an absentminded hand slapping.

“Hey Dwalin, are your legs tired?” he called.

“Huh? What are you on about now, Nori?”

“Well you’ve been running round my mind all day, I just wanted to know if your legs were tired. Maybe I can help with those aching muscles of yours?” Nori grinned, eyes trailing down Dwalin’s body.

“Shove off, Nori,” Dwalin sighed, continuing on his way.

“Hey big boy!” Nori called again.

“ _What_ , Rison?” Dwalin snapped, spinning round to glare at the smirking slender man.

“Wanna taste the rainbow?” Nori asked, shaking his packet of skittles before blowing Dwalin a kiss.

With a growl Dwalin turned back round and stomped up the stairs, heading for the staff canteen, resisting the urge to punch the oven fresh worker in his pretty little face.

“You’re going to get in trouble for that one day,” Ori said, eyes flitting between his grinning brother and where the angry butcher had stormed off.

“Eh, life’s no fun if you can’t get in trouble every now and again,” Nori shrugged before ruffling Ori’s hair, “See ya later, kiddo, break times over, I’ve got chickens to cook and pies to bake.”

“Hey!” Ori slapped ineffectually at his brother’s hand. Grumbling to himself he fixed his hair, watching his brother walk away, winding his long reddish brown plait back up into a hair net.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone wants, you're welcome to come bother me on tumblr - http://sarcasticsmilerrandomness.tumblr.com/  
> If you have any suggestions/prompts for chapters I'd be happy to hear them.


	6. Explosions or Oozing?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of a smell in store

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is also based on real events.

Ori wrinkled his nose as he stepped through Erebor’s doors to start his shift. There didn’t seem to be anything different or wrong in the store, but the scent of raw sewage pervaded the air. After storing his things in his locker and clocking in Ori went in search of Bofur, assuming the older man would know what had happened to allow such a foul odour.

He found him hovering by customer services, keeping one eye on self-scan as he made sympathetic sounds at Fíli and Kíli.

“It got in our shoes!” the brunet brother lamented, “My socks are ruined!”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” the blonde’s voice was muffled where he had his head buried in his folded arms atop customer service’s counter.

“Not over here you won’t,” Gloin blustered about, shooing the brothers away before attacking the air with apple scented air freshener.

With the way Fíli’s face paled even further, the combination of scents didn’t help matters in the slightest.

“What happened?” Ori asked, making Bofur jump at his quiet approach.

“The toilets exploded,” Kíli grumbled, his face now pressed against his older brother’s neck in an attempt to escape the smell.

“I’m sorry? Exploded?” Ori was promptly horrified.

“They’re exaggerating lad,” Gloin said, “It was more of an ooze than an explosion.”

“Exaggerating?! It was everywhere!” Kíli protested, pulling his face from Fíli’s neck to glare at Gloin before quickly returning to his better smelling position when the foul air of the store made itself known to his nostrils again.

“They’re doin’ some buildin’ work down the road,” Bofur clarified, “Must’ve hit a main pipe or somethin’ and sewage water just kind of backed up and started oozing out the drains and toilets. We’re kinda literally up shit creek without a paddle.”

“Thorin sent these two in to try and stem the flow or at least barricade the doors,” Gloin added, gesturing to Fíli and Kíli.

“It was horrible,” Fíli whined, turning his head at a rather awkward angle to bury his nose in Kíli’s dark hair.

“Is anything else being done about it?” Ori asked, glancing down at the brothers’ stained, ruined shoes.

“Maintenance are coming tomorrow,” Bofur shrugged, “For now we’ve just gotta grin and bear it.”

“Ori, lad? Could you jump on for me, the queues are starting to get a bit long,” Balin called over.

Heading to a till as far away from the toilets as possible, Ori sat down to endure a shift where every breath in made his stomach rebel and practically every customer complained about the smell even though they’d been told there was nothing any of the staff could do, and they got to leave when the long suffering staff could not.

Ori sighed, this was going to be a long shift.


	7. Seriously, make noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil forgets a store rule.
> 
> This takes place during the same shift as the previous chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a tiny little drabble for you today I'm afraid.

Reading through the uniform inventory Thranduil forgot a very important store rule as he reached for the handle of the stock room door.

_Make noise when approaching any darkened corners, offices or cupboards._

It was a forgetfulness he regretted immediately upon opening the door and being confronted with a certain pair of half-naked individuals wrapped tightly around each other.

“Oh come on!” he screeched, “Thorin gave you permission to get a change of uniform, not to defile my cupboard!”

Fíli and Kíli at least had the presence of mind to look sheepish as they disentangled themselves.

“Sorry?” they offered.

“Just get straightened up and go back to work,” Thranduil glared at them, “And take your shit smelling clothes with you!”

Slamming the cupboard door Thranduil spun and stormed out of his office to go and yell at Thorin about the lads’ behaviour…again.

“Well that went well,” Fíli chuckled as he lifted his hand to run his thumb over Kíli’s kiss-swollen lower lip.

“Mm, how long before he comes back, d’you think?” Kíli asked, stepping back into his brother’s space, “Long enough to have you moaning?”

“Only one way to find out,” Fíli grinned before Kíli’s mouth descended on his again, stealing his breath as he arched into the younger’s hands creeping around his bare waist.


	8. Called in Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something isn't right with Dwalin's world

Dwalin was suspicious.

He’d started his shift about half an hour ago and so far the only sounds he’d heard were the murmuring of the customers and the music coming from the store’s sound system.

He’d not heard a peep from the department next to his. Though he knew someone was there. He’d heard the oven doors opening and closing.

Dwalin was suspicious.

He was _not_ worried something was wrong.

He was _suspicious_ damn it!

Another fifteen minutes passed before he heard whistling coming from oven fresh. But it wasn’t a wolf whistle. No, whoever was manning oven fresh was whistling along to the music.

Nori didn’t whistle along to the music.

With a growl, Dwalin practically threw the knife he was holding to the chopping block before stomping out from behind his counter and around into oven fresh.

“Who are you?” he demanded, large, tattooed hands fisted at his sides as he towered over the curly haired lad.

“Pi-Pippin,” the lad squeaked.

“Where’s Nori?”

“He c-called in sick, they asked me t-to stay later to cover his shift.”

With another growl Dwalin spun on his heel and stormed off, heading for the health and beauty aisles, leaving the poor lad covering Nori’s shift thoroughly intimidated and rather bemused.

“Dori!” Dwalin called once he found the silvered haired man restocking their selection of hand soaps.

“Dwalin? To what do I owe the pleasure? Shouldn’t you be in your own department?” Dori asked, eying the burly butcher currently stomping towards him.

“If they need me they can tannoy me,” he grit out, “Where’s Nori?”

“I’m not my brother’s keeper, Dwalin.”

“Bollocks. You know everything that goes on in your brothers’ lives, and everyone knows it.”

“Fine,” Dori sighed, straightening the Dove bottles before turning to Dwalin, “He’s ill, caught some bug, haven’t the foggiest where. Hopefully it’s just a twenty-four hour thing. But right now he’s all bundled up at home feeling thoroughly miserable.”

“But he’ll be alright?”

“Of course he will. He’ll be back to annoy you before you know it,” Dori reassured, a smile that held hints of Nori’s smirks pulling at his lips. Before Dwalin could protest, however, the tannoy crackled to life.

_“This is a staff announcement, could Dwalin Fundinson please return to his department, thank you.”_

“I do believe that’s your cue to leave. Oh and Dwalin? Try not to intimidate young Pippin, he’s doing Nori a rather large favour staying on to cover his shift.”

With a vague grunt Dwalin trudged back to the butchery department.

Shifts without Nori, though rare, were quiet and boring. Though if anyone were to ask, Dwalin would adamantly refuse to admit that that was the case.


	9. Stupid Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur deals with the 'intelligent' public

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a fair old while since I wrote anything for this. Honestly I've been so pissed off with work that I couldn't even bare to write anything even remotely relating to it. However I've now managed to spit out this little thing, it's not much, but it's something I supose.
> 
> All three scenarios in this are real, they actually happened, with these responses.

Bofur rocked back and forth on his heels, humming along to the song currently playing as he watched the various customers on self-scan.

“Excuse me?”

“How can I help?” Bofur turned to the enquiring customer, bright smile firmly in place.

“Could you tell me where the batteries are?”

“Batteries?”  Bofur’s smile brightened to the point of bordering on obviously fake, “Of course, do you see the giant battery down there?”

Turning with a frown, the customer squinted at where Bofur was gesturing, a sheepish expression stealing over their face when they finally spotted the giant battery above the display.

“Oh, thank you.”

“No problem.”

-x-

“’Scuse me, mate.”

Bofur looked up from cleaning one of the machines to find a rather portly fellow standing next to him, wiping a red, bulbous nose with a grease stained handkerchief.

“Yes?”

“Where’s the ice?”

Bofur blinked at the man. Slowly.

“Solid or liquid?”

“What?”

“The ice, do you want it solid or liquid?”

The man continued to look thoroughly confused, but Bofur felt very little sympathy for him. After the long, shitty shift he’d had to endure so far, his tolerance for stupid questions was exceptionally low.

“Where do you keep your ice at home, sir?” he tried.

“The freezer?” the man hazarded.

“Our freezer section is down there,” Bofur answered, pointing the man in the right direction before returning to his cleaning.

-x-

It was a slow evening, the bitingly cold wind keeping people away. All the jobs he could do were done, and so with nothing else to do Bofur leant against the railing surrounding self-scan and drifted off into a daydream.

A daydream that was rudely interrupted when a man stepped in front of him and said, “Newspapers, where are they.”

Bofur sighed, he didn’t have the energy for this today, he didn’t have the patience.

Slapping on a blatantly fake smile, he stepped slightly to the side, allowing the customer’s gaze to lock on to what he was leaning in front of.

“Right behind me, sir.”

The customer merely grunted at him, before grabbing a copy of _The Sun_.

Bofur, slumping back against the railing, honestly couldn’t say that he was surprised.


	10. Who would you...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's nearly closing time, Nori thinks of a question to pass the remaining minutes.

 

The second hand on the clock slowly ticked towards closing time, the checkouts had been swept and mopped, the tills counted and closed down, three self-scan machines the only ones left open until the doors were locked.

Nori perched on the conveyor belt closest to self-scan, Ori leaning against his leg, while Bofur folded his arms on the railings surrounding his area.

“So,” Nori started, heel bouncing on the checkout as he swung it, “if you had no option and had to choose, who would you fuck? Thorin, Thranduil, or Balin?”

“Seriously?” Ori asked as Bofur promptly answered, “Thorin.”

“Ohho, so you like ‘em tall, dark, an’ handsome then, aye Bof?” Nori tittered.

“Just weighin’ my options,” Bofur shrugged, “Thranduil’s too prissy for my tastes, he’d start bitching that you weren’t doing it right and I’m sure Balin would use it as some kind of teaching opportunity. So that leaves me with Thorin.”

“I dunno, I think I could make Thrandy my bitch,” Nori grinned.

“That’s just wrong,” Ori shuddered at his brother’s words.

“Oh come on, Ori, who would you choose?” Bofur cajoled.

“No one.”

“Nope, you have to choose,” Nori said, nudging Ori with his knee.

“What’s this?” Kíli asked, bounding up to them, his hair a bit mused are taking a suspiciously long time to take the mop and bucket back to the cleaning cupboard. Fíli, unsurprisingly, following close on his heels, looking equally dishevelled.

“If you had to choose who to fuck out of Thranduil, Thorin, and Balin, who would it be? And not choosing anyone ain’t an option,” Bofur answered.

“But Thorin’s our uncle, that’s just wrong,” Kíli’s nose wrinkled in distaste, only to be met with three rather incredulous expressions.

“Please tell me you’re not serious,” Bofur deadpanned.

“What?”

“You’re fucking your own brother, kid,” Nori pointed out, slowly, “If anything your uncle would actually be the better choice.”

“Ew, no, not Thorin, that’s just too weird. Maybe Thranduil.”

“It’s the blond hair, ain’t it?” Nori smirked.

“What can I say, I have a type,” Kíli shrugged.

“Fíli?”

“I’d probably fuck Thorin.”

“What?” Kíli spun to face his brother, “Seriously?”

“Well, yeah,” Fíli shrugged, “Think about it, with that hair of his if I turn off the light I can pretend it’s you.”

“That’s almost disgustingly sweet,” Nori gagged before perking up at Bilbo walking by, “Hey! Bilbo! Come over here a sec, I’ve got a question!”

“I’m not sure I trust your questions, Nori,” Bilbo said even as he came closer regardless.

“So in the case where you’ve no choice but to pick one, who would you fuck? Thranduil, Thorin, or Balin?”

“Thorin,” was Bilbo’s prompt reply before his hands shot to cover his mouth as heat crept up his cheeks.

“Got a little crush there, do we?” Nori teased.

“No,” Bilbo squeaked before scurrying off to clock out and go home.

“Well that was interesting,” Fíli murmured, sharing a look with a grinning Kíli.

“Come on, lads, let’s get this place locked up,” Balin called, walking past them to the front doors.

“That’s my cue, I’ll be waitin’ out in the car for you, kid, alright?” Nori said, hopping down from his perch.

“Alright.”

“And then you can tell me who _your_ choice would be,” Nori cackled as he left the shop, leaving a flushed little brother behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is based on a real conversation that happened yesterday revolving around which manager we'd fuck if we had to choose...we were rather bored most of yesterday.


	11. An Unpleasant Customer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this quickly last night, it's not much but I've not written anything for several days and I just needed to get something done.

Bofur was sitting in the staff canteen, not exactly _enjoying_ the flimsy cardboard cup of tea he’d gotten, though he _was_ grateful, and quite frankly _surprised_ , that the machine had been working for once, when Fíli and Kíli came tumbling through the doors. Rather effectively shattering the pleasant quiet bubble he’d been in.

“Alright there lads?” he asked, quirking a brow at their panicked expressions.

“He’s back,” Kíli whined, fingers clenching and unclenching round his brother’s wrist.

“Who?”

“The Shitting Bloke,” Fíli answered, shuddering at just the thought of him.

“Ok, and you’re up here because…?”

“If they think we’re on our break then they won’t call us to clean up after him,” Kíli explained as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You lads do realise Alfrid’s been banned from this store right?” Bofur pointed out, taking a sip of his insipid tea and grimacing slightly at the taste.

“Whose Alfrid?” Kíli asked, dark brows dropping into a confused frown.

“The Shitting Bloke.”

“Ooh,” the pair said before Bofur’s previous words sank in, “He’s been banned? Really?”

“Yep, been banned for a couple of months now.”

“But who’ll kick him out again? I don’t want to go near him, he’s horrible,” Fíli said, with Kíli unnecessarily adding, “And he smells.”

“We have security for a reason, y’know,” Bofur pointed out, chuckling as Kíli noticeably brightened while Fíli glowered.

“We’ll go tell Tauriel,” Kíli chirped, tugging Fíli back to the doors, “She’ll get rid of him.

“Fine,” Fíli grumbled, begrudgingly allowing himself to be dragged away.

-x-

“What’s going on?” Ori asked quietly.

“Something wonderful,” Kíli said, smug smile in place as the three watched Tauriel escort a loudly cursing Alfrid from the store.

“Why would you wear beige?” Fíli mumbled, nose wrinkling in disgust at the suspicious stain on the back of Alfrid’s trousers.

“I’m lost,” Ori said, eyes flitting between the brothers and the greasy looking man being escorted out.

“That’s Alfrid,” Fíli answered, “also known as The Shitting Bloke.”

“The Shitting Bloke? Why the shitting bloke?”

“’Cause he don’t care where he drops it, if he needs to go, he goes.”

“You’re not serious.”

“Deadly, he left us a deposit in the pasta aisle once,” Kíli said, trying not to gag at the memory.

“Lads,” Balin called, “Bakery needs help with a bit of cleaning.”

“Please tell me it’s not what I think it is,” Kíli pleaded as Fíli’s face paled at the thought.

“You’ll just have to go and see,” Balin shrugged before shooing the pair away.

“Balin? It isn’t, is it?” Ori tentatively asked.

“No lad,” Balin chuckled, “But we won’t be telling them that, think of it as a punishment for sneaking off for an early break.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again this is based off of real life, though it's a woman not a man, and she's known as the shitting lady. She's a grumpy old bat and if she doesn't make it to the loo she will just let it flow in an aisle. Luckily I've never had to clean up after her.  
> She's banned from store, but the past month or so she's been coming back in and has had to be escorted out a few times when caught. And she clearly thinks beige and cream are good colours to buy skirts in, even with her problem.


	12. An Unusual Request

Gloin hung up the phone and stared at it with a confused frown, not quite sure what to do with the information he’d just received.

“Hey, Bofur!” he called over to self-scan, still not taking his eyes from the phone.

“Yeah?” Bofur asked absentmindedly, trying to keep an eye on an old lady currently scowling at a machine.

“You seen Balin about?”

“He’s countin’ up a till, why?”

“Grab him for me, would ya?”

“Alright, but keep an eye on that old dear while I do it, I don’t trust the way she’s holdin’ that umbrella.”

“You ok there, Gloin?” Balin asked not five minutes later, the red headed customer service attendant still glancing at the phone every few seconds.

“Yeah, I’ve just had a call to say we’re out of loo roll in the ladies.”

“Again?” Balin sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Um, that’s not quite all,” Gloin coughed, trying to hold back laughter.

“What else?” Balin frowned, while Bofur sidled closer, head cocked slightly in curiosity.

“Well, y’see, the call came from a woman who, well, she’s actually still in there, in a cubicle I mean.”

“Someone called from the toilet to tell us about there being no toilet paper? What does she expect _us_ to do? Take her one?”

“Yes, apparently she does.”

At those words Bofur promptly burst out laughing as Balin sputtered, “I can’t go in the ladies!”

“She’s waiting,” Gloin shrugged, eyes glistening with mirth.

“Go on, Balin,” Bofur just about managed to say, “just pass it under the door, we can’t be leavin’ her like that, wouldn’t be right.”

Still sputtering like an indignant chicken, Balin frantically looked around for a female member of staff, _any_ female member of staff.

“Excuse me,” a voice piped up from behind Bofur, causing him to turn, still chuckling and wiping tears from his eyes.

“Yes, how can I help?”

“Are you mocking me?”

“Um, no?”

Recognising the voice from the phone, Gloin lent over the counter, “Are you the individual who just called?”

“Yes, I managed to find some tissue in my bag, luckily, but thought it’d be best to let you know there isn’t any toilet paper in _any_ of the stalls. I’m just lucky I had some on me.”

“I’m sorry for the inconvenience caused,” Balin offered while his staff ‘valiantly’ tried to withhold their guffaws. “We’re just in the process of find stock to replenish them.”

“See that you do,” the woman sniffed, before turning on her heel and striding from the store.

“You gotta give her credit where credit is due,” Bofur grinned, leaning against customer services counter while they watched her leave. “She’s got some balls to pull that off.”

“She’s just lucky she had signal in there,” Gloin snorted, “I wonder what network she’s with?”

Balin left his staff to their musings, grumbling about needing to hire more women as he went to track one such member of staff down. He’d be having _words_ with Thorin and Thranduil about this later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I've done this justice, to be honest, but I had to get it written quick before I forgot it. This happened last night, and we were practically wetting ourselves with laughter. Only difference being I've swapped the genders, as it was a man that called and we're all women, and he was sitting in there for a good fifteen minutes before he came out.
> 
>  
> 
> I've got about three other chapter/stories planned out for this so hopefully the next instalment shouldn't be too long in coming.


	13. Cold, So Very Cold

Kíli trudged around the store, pushing a trolley full of put-backs before him.

It was a slow night, the cold and the rain keeping people away.

To stave off boredom for a while, he’d volunteered to empty the put-back trolley. It was a boring job, but at least it kept him moving instead of dozing off against Fíli’s shoulder.

Tossing a Quavers multipack back onto the shelf, Kíli couldn’t help the groan that left him at what had been hiding beneath it - a soggy bag of defrosted peas.

He’d have to go out to the freezer in the warehouse.

He _hated_ the warehouse freezer.

With a resigned slump to his shoulders, Kíli headed to the back of the store and the freezing abyss that awaited him.

Grabbing the peas, he yanked open the walk-in freezer door, fully prepared to just toss the bag onto the waste table and be done with it.

…but the table wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Kíli muttered to himself, breath fogging in the cold, when he spotted the table on the far side of the freezer. There was no way he’d be able to throw the peas that far.

Steeling his resolve, Kíli walked determinedly inside and straight to the waste table.

He ignored the way his shoes stuck to the frost covered floor.

The cold stinging the tip of his nose and ears.

Goosebumps covered the length of his bared arms and Kíli greatly regretted leaving his jacket in his locker.

He was shivering uncontrollably by the time he stepped back out into the warehouse, his teeth audibly chattering.

“F-fuck-k-king f-freezer,” he grumbled, shoving at the now empty trolley and making his way back to the checkouts.

His shivering had abated somewhat by the time he’d wandered back through the store, though his skin still felt icy.

Abandoning the trolley by a checkout, Kíli’s eyes homed in on Fíli and the strip of skin revealed as he reached over a conveyer belt to restock the sweets and chewing gum.

Kíli’s cold fingers twitched.

The shriek Fíli let loose when frozen hands snuck under his shirt to rest on his fuzzy belly was enough to have Tauriel running in their direction before she realised what was going on.

“Mmm, so warm,” Kíli hummed, nuzzling his cold nose into Fíli’s neck.

“So cold,” Fíli corrected, shivering as Kíli pressed against him to steal his warmth.

“Hey Kíli!” Bofur called, grinning as he held up a defrosting pot of ice cream. “I’ve got some frozen waste if you want it.”

“Noooo,” Kíli whined, ignoring Bofur’s cackles as he tried his damnedest to melt into his brother’s skin.

He didn’t care how boring the rest of the shift would be, he _wasn’t_ going back in that freezer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, it's been a while. I keep forgetting about this 'verse, even though I've various fragments written in my work notebook for it. I really need to type them up and flesh them out.
> 
> Anywho, this chapter is brought to you through the prompting of an anon. on tumblr, who came to my aid when I wanted to write but couldn't settle on anything. I hope it's alright.
> 
> On a side note, should I have future chapters as separate stories as opposed to chapters? Make it a bit easier for anyone who only wants to read the ones with characters or pairings they like? Or should I just stick with the way I'm going now?


	14. Knight or Nurse?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Nori and Dwalin chapter (for Vita, since you requested it in the previous chapter)

Nori squinted at the printer for the discount stickers. He was sure there was a jam _somewhere_ , he just couldn't figure out _where_.

“Are you discounting these or what?” a customer huffed, tossing a pack of cooked chicken legs on the counter.

“I'm trying, sir, but the label printer's stuck.”

“Well when’s it gunna be _un_ stuck?”

“I don't know, sir,” Nori said through gritted teeth.

He really didn't need this. It was his first shift back after a bad flu had knocked him out of commission for a couple of weeks. He still didn't feel 100% but he couldn't have anymore time off without risking being called in for a disciplinary meeting.

And now he had some arsehole badgering him about end of day discounts while the printer decided to play up.

“Well you're a load of fucking good,” the customer spat loud enough to catch Dwalin’s attention.

“You alright over there, Nori?” he called.

“He's fucking useless is what he is,” the customer sneered.

“The printer won't work,” Nori mumbled, prodding at the printer in the vain hope that it’d just _work_.

Slipping from his own area into Nori’s, Dwalin frowned at his coworker’s pale face and trembling fingers.

“Nori?”

“I just don't know what's wrong with it.”

“Alright, don't worry,” Dwalin tried to sooth, not liking the slight tremble in Nori’s voice. “We'll get it fixed, and if we can't then you can always borrow mine.”

“Hello? I've better places to be than here, y’know,” the customer drawled, waving obnoxiously at them. “So is it fixed yet or do we now have two useless fucks instead of one?”

“Back off,” Dwalin snapped, glaring at the customer who proceeded to puff up in offense at his tone.

“You can't speak to me like that!”

“I can if you're harassing staff.”

“I want to talk to your manager,” the customer demanded, puffing out his chest and squaring his shoulders in some form of attempt at intimidating Dwalin.

Rising to his full height, Dwalin looked down his nose at the pathetic excuse of a man before him, “Be my guest, _sir,_ he's at the front of the store.”

“You should be fired for your attitude,” he sneered as he scuttled off to become Thorin’s problem instead.

“Prick,” Dwalin grumbled under his breath before turning his attention back to Nori.

“Thanks,” Nori said, offering a weak, very unNori-like smile.

“No problem,” he mumbled. “Now, what's wrong with this thing?”

“I thought something was jammed, but I can't find anything,” Nori explained, gnawing anxiously on a ragged thumb nail. Dwalin wasn't quite sure what to do with this version of Nori, he was use to bad pick-up lines and leering smirks, not insecurity and mumbling. “I've put in a new roll of stickers, and turned it off and on again, but nothing works.”

Considering he rarely got along with his own printer, Dwalin was at a loss as to what to suggest…other than his tried and tested fix-all.

“Have you hit it?”

“What?”

“Hit it.”

“But what if I break it?”

“It's already broken,” Dwalin shrugged. “But, if in doubt, give it a clout.”

Nori jumped when Dwalin’s fist descended to whack the machine. He stared in utter disbelief as it gave a small metallic _cl_ _u_ _nk_ and started printed out labels again.

“My knight in shining armour.”

“Hardly,” Dwalin snorted. “Are you alright though? You're looking a bit pale.”

“I'm fine,” Nori sighed, lashes fluttering slightly as he swayed into the hand pressed to his forehead. “But if you want to play doctors and nurses, I'm sure I could find a nurses uniform that'd fit you.”

“Not a chance,” Dwalin huffed, part in relief, and part exasperation.

The leering grin on Nori’s chapped lips was a pale comparison to his usual ones, but Dwalin could now be confident that he was finally on the mend.

“So there's no chance of a sponge bath?” Nori pouted.

“Only in your dreams, Rison,” Dwalin smirked as he headed back to his own department, leaving Nori to his spluttering printer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had the idea for this one since I wrote the chapter with Nori being off sick, so this has been a shamefully long time in the making (it's been sitting partially finished on my phone for months). I just liked the idea that though Nori irritates Dwalin regularly, Dwalin would still protect him.  
> I don't know why but I've got it in my head that both Nori and Ori always get sick in the winter months, if there's a bug going round they're guaranteed to catch it. This all has the downside of turning Dori into an over-protective mother hen... instead of his usual mother hen state.
> 
> Another Fili/Kili chapter should be next if I can get it finished, or, if I can edit it into something I can at least tolerate, it'll be a Gloin chapter.


	15. Work Interrupted (Fili/Kili)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little Fili and Kili chapter (for the anon. who asked for it quite a while ago on tumblr)

Fíli stood on his tip toes, stretching to reach the top shelf where the coffee belonged. If the jar hadn’t been made of glass, he would’ve just thrown it on the shelf for someone taller to deal with later.

But, annoyingly, he couldn’t.

So, he was stuck reaching, with his shirt riding up and his trousers threatening to slip over his hips.

Focusing solely on the task at hand he almost swore when a warm body suddenly pressed up against his back. The only thing stopping him from elbowing his assailant in the stomach was the familiar voice that rumbled in his ear.

“You look so cute trying to reach things too high for you.”

“Kíli,” Fíli growled, starting to rethink his idea about sending an elbow into a soft belly, when a warm palm slid over his side under his shirt while the other plucked the jar from his fingers to set it softly down on the shelf.

“So cute all stretched out,” Kíli purred.

“We’re in public, little brother,” Fíli reminded, even as he pressed back against Kíli’s chest.

“That’s never stopped me before, Fee,” Kíli murmured, nipping Fíli’s ear as both hands slid beneath Fíli’s untucked shirt.

Fíli had just stared to relax more into Kíli when a pack of bread rolls smacked them in the head.

Glaring in the direction the rolls had come from, they both saw Bombur scowling as he pointed behind them where a young boy, no older than four, was staring at them wide eyed.

Awkwardly clearing this throat, Fíli scooped up his basket of putbacks and fled, not feeling guilty in the slightest about abandoning Kíli to the little boy who was clearly about to start asking questions.

-x-

Fíli was bent over, head stuck in the shelf and trying to drag items to the front when he felt a pinch on his backside.

“Kíli!” he yelped, whacking his head on the shelf as he pulled back to glare at his brother.

Only…it wasn’t his brother grinning at him.

“Nori?” he frowned at the red head as he walked backwards down the aisle.

“Couldn’t help myself,” Nori shrugged. “It’s a lovely bum.”

Before Fíli could even think of a response, Nori disappeared around the corner, leaving him gaping with his cheeks burning.

-x-

Bent over once again, though this time reaching for a pack of yogurts at the back of the chiller, Fíli felt a warm palm smooth over his backside.

“Seriously, Nori?” he grumbled, far too chilly to deal with Nori’s antics again.

“Nori?” Kíli’s normally deep voice squeaked.

“Oh, it’s just you,” Fíli sighed, once he’d emerged from the yogurts.

“Just me?!” Kíli squeaked again before scowling over at the oven fresh counter where Nori was clearly bothering Dwalin once again. “Nori! What did you do to my Fíli?!”

Rolling his eyes at his brother’s reaction, Fíli huffed, “He only pinched my arse, Kee.”

“What the hell, Nori?!”

“What? You expect me to resist such a temptation?”

“Yes! It’s mine!” Kíli declared, earning himself a Look from Fíli.

“You’re lucky I love you, little brother.”

“Really, Rison?” Dwalin grumbled. “Picking on the kids now?”

“What? You getting jealous over there, Fundinson?” Nori leered.

“Nori!” Kíli huffed before Dwalin could respond.

“Yeah, yeah, your arse, don’t touch. Now beat it, kid, I’ve more important things to deal with right now.”

“Want to let me go now?” Fíli asked, looking pointedly at the hand clutching the edge of his jacket.

“No, Nori might try something again if I do.”

“ _Riiight,_ ” Fíli said, looking dubiously over a Nori where he’d migrated into butchery and was currently pestering Dwalin, fingers darting out to touch the butchers bare forearm. “Come on then, if you’re going to be loitering, the least you can do it be helpful.”

“I am being helpful!” Kíli declared as Fíli led him away to his next job.

“How?”

“I’m watching over your arse, making sure no one else tries anything.”

“You’re an idiot,” Fíli finally said, not quite managing to keep the fondness from his tone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to brave the hellscape that is my work notebook to piece this together. It was in, like, five separate pieces, and some ran into snippets of other stories that aren't even part of this 'verse, and some abruptly stopped with a random shopping list at the end. I like to think that one day I'll have a notebook that's neat and organised and doesn't reflect the cluttered mess that is my mind...but I don't think that day will ever come.
> 
> Ok so, technically, Fili could actually reach the top shelf, but when I wrote this I had my height in mind which is 5'3(and a bit)", so just imagine the shelves are even taller than usual I guess? (...or just stick with the idea that Fili is a short arse)
> 
> I'm working (slowly but surely) on a few more chapters for this, there's a couple for Gloin, a hint of an idea for a Bilbo/Thorin one, and there's a chapter on Beatrix Potter coins I'm fiddling with. I'm also working on a floorplan to give a better idea of the general layout of the store (and so I can figure out where to put a pharmacy) Oh! and there's a Smaug chapter planned now after I realised I had the perfect story for him based on an old manager.   
> However if there's any requests for this, please stick 'em in the comments here or [my ask box over on tumblr](http://sarcasticsmilerrandomness.tumblr.com/)  
> (Also, Vita, if you're still reading and still willing, I'd greatly appreciate some pharmacy tales to subject ~~poor~~ dear Oin to. Send them either in the comments or through tumblr, your choice, and I'll be eternally grateful)


End file.
